engaged.

One of my friends got engaged last night. 

Years ago, we were the amigos. Attached at the hip for almost an entire year. Where I went, she was. She knew about my past, what hurt, who I was and even who I had a crush on (and yes, we were long out of high school). 

There were a ton of late night talks, lessons learned from each other, and embarrassing stories told. Best friends. 
For a season, anyway. 

I tried to muster up some excitement for my dear friend - whom I so admired and considered myself the supporting actress in her story - when I heard her news. New relationships! New adventures! New stories! It should be exciting, especially having walked with her through other not-so-great relationships. 

When I went to post a congrats on her wall, it felt.. disingenuous. She stepped out of my life and into his. And I had rained down warning flags and judgment so he and I could not co-exist in her world. She chose him.

So now I look at myself and wonder if I’m not happy because she’s pulling ahead of me in the “race” of life. Or because I miss that closeness where she would have called with such news. Or because I’m ever a skeptic. Or because I’m a girl. And sometimes we can’t explain how we feel.

But I’m working on it. 
I will post a note on her wall that she will likely never read. And I’ll mean it.
I want to be happy with those who are happy. 
I’m a constant work in progress and wish I had more things figured out.